back and protection
by mamika
Summary: odd and random littel thing in fai's pov. probably a bit ooc, messed up with Fai's thoughts and mines. dunno which ones are which...if none is neither...this is kurofai anyway. slight maybe, but they are. dunno about genres.
1. Chapter 1

my first ever in first person. and I know it is bad. am a bit..out of things. hope someone enjoys. I would like it though if someone bothers to review anyway...it would be nice.

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Back and protection

I was walking behind you. There was nothing unusual in that, but this time I was really thinking about us, and about my life.

I knew you were in front of me to protect me. You shielded me, so the world couldn't bring me to my sorrowful end. For that, I hated you. I wanted to be free, to get rid of all the problems and past I tried to avoid. Yet I loved you for it. I knew you were doing it because you cared about me, something I never had dreamed would happen, and something, even knowing, I couldn't quite believe. You wanted me to grown stronger, to face the shadows of my past, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Those nightmares were intertwined with the most precious times I have had. With my brother, when I was still young and carefree, before everything was ruined. So to face the bad, and conquer it, I should also face the good times, and that was what scared me so. because then I would see all that I had really lost. I knew all I had been through, all the scars in my heart. I wanted to say my past was horrible, to leave it behind and never to look at it, pretend it never happened. Because the happiness that once was there, was something that scarred me much more, it made it plain how badly I had screwed up. But the good things were something my mind didn't bring up involuntarily, I could only recall it all if I tried. And if I didn't recall, I was numb, I didn't know there was anything better. And that's the way I wanted to live, the only way I could. Because behind the smiles, positive attitude and strength I pretend I held, I was shattered. If I would look in the mirror, I would see something that would make me cry. A facade of my good times I didn't want to have.

I sighed. You hear and look me over your shoulder. I shook my head

"Nothing Kuro-chi. Just thinking" you snort and look away. I smile sadly. You shield me from the world, yet you try to break my by yourself, so no one else would see it. That is kind of you. And after watching your back for so long, I want to change too. I know I can't be what I used to. I don't have the hand to hold onto in every occasion, not the one who was with me from the moment we were born. But I am starting to think that maybe it doesn't have to be my brother. Maybe I can hold someone's hand too. I know I won't learn to share everything, but the biggest things, and the little things. Not the regular things that are basis of everything.

I give out a quiet chuckle. My head is spinning. I am not in control, my subconscious is leading my thoughts now, and everything seems a crazy talk to me.

"I can't" I accidentally mumble, trying to shut my mind up.

"Can't what?" Kuro-rin had suddenly stopped and I nearly bumped to him. I smiled up at him

"Think. Makes me dizzy" he tried to look into my head, to understand me. I shook my head. "Never mind. Let's just keep going." you look me a while longer. Because I fear you will crack me if you keep staring me with those red eyes, I tease you "Unless you want to do something else?" I use my best flirtatious voice and lift an eyebrow to you. You roll your eyes, and turn away

"Idiot.." the smile flops, hangs in the corners of my mouth, but I don't care to put it on. I know I look sad now. But it doesn't matter, since you won't turn to me anytime soon as we continue our walk.

I know I have started falling for you. But I don't want to love you. Because there is no way we can never be together, is there? Once the journey is over, I will keep moving through worlds, and you will go to your home. There is no way I can have the closeness I want to, to sleep hearing your heartbeat, feeling your warmth. And I want to love you. I want to hug you, kiss you, tell you you mean everything to me. Even if makes me seem weak and stupid in your eyes. I want you , and I want to be yours. But I can't promise I can change. Even if you would say sweet words to my ear, I can't promise they will reach my heart. I don't know what could reach it, because I have shut even myself out. All I know is I love you. Whether I want to or not. I can only promise I will try. Try to accept my past, not just forged and dismiss it as unimportant. Even though it is the reason I am what I am. But maybe, with you, I can be okay with everything, since thanks to all the good and bad, I am with you now. Even though I think the future too much, scared to make a move because it could affect the future in a bad way. Albeit I know it could also change it for the better.

"I'm an idiot" I nearly sob out, trying to hold the tears back. It comes out in a strangled sound, which you apparently don't hear, or just choose to ignore. Not like I can blame you, so many times I have pulled a prank on you. I know the way I think is too negative, yet I keep repeating the same path over and over again. I can see it now, and I understand. I can change, because I know the errors. But I need help. Too long I have been like this, I can't steer away. I need someone to support me, tell me time and time again that I am not alone, and that there is more than just bad things to look forward. Because alone, I will fail to grasp it.

I look at your back. So many times, you have tried to guide me. So many times I have pushed you away. I wonder if it's too late. And would you accept me like this, if I just start feeling better. Is it enough for you, or do you want me to stop the teasing and hiding too?

Slowly, I lift my hand. I reach it out to you. I know I could run to you, and I know you wouldn't push me away if I take the steps. But I can't. Because I don't believe you would accept me. To every step to healing, I need someone to help me, to pull me onward. It may mean I am weak, but I don't want to lay my life on a thin possibility. I want to know that there is really something good, that I am not risking my heart for nothing. I need you to hold my hand. I know it is stupid to think you would take the hand. How could you, you don't see me reaching after you.

Then you look me over your shoulder again. You slow down when you notice my outstretched hand. You look from it, to my eyes, and when I stop, there is annoyed, yet somehow pleased look in your eyes.

"Are you sure?" you just ask. I honestly don't know what you mean.

"Maybe" you nod at that

"At least that is not a lie." you took a step back, and reach to my hand, taking a firm grip, but not squeezing. Just a hold that feels comforting, but not forcing. I smile for real. I can finally feel something warm and bubbling inside of me. I would want to hug him because I'm happy, not because I would be drowning or needing the contact, I would want to share the joy with him. So I smile to him with everything I've got. There is a very small curve up in your mouth. "Took you long enough" you just say. I nod to him, that is a truth alright.

"Thanks for waiting" he huffed and turned to continue onward again, pulling me gently along with him.

"I don't think this will be this easy for real" I keep smiling, and peek at him in the corner of my eye

"Does it matter?" you look at me, and grin

"I like challenges." I grin back. Even if only for him, I want to be truly alive, not just a doll that does what others need or want it to do. I want to feel for real again, to break all the restrains I have put in my heart and emotions.

"Good" I say and squeeze his hand a bit. "I try not to let go" you look ahead, then stop us and make me face you dead on

"Even if you do, I will take a hold of you again. Now I know you want it. I won't let you ruin it for us" I smile, and I feel tears in my eyes. The future looks really scary still, but the hand I hold and the eyes I look give me strength. They tell me what I need. That I am wanted, that there is a place for me where I am accepted for exactly what I am. I am not alone. It may hurt, but it may be worth it. Without trying, I won't know, I can only regret. So now I will try. Whatever it takes. When the tears start flowing, you step closer and wrap arms around me. I can smell you scent, and it calms me. I hug you back, sucking in the warmth, the scent, basking in you. I don't think I can stand without you, but with time, I don't have to cling you quite this much. And then we can really be together, when I have, when we have fixed me. I speak in your chest.

"We better get going". You ruffle my hair as we pull apart.

"Idiot" he says fondly. I giggle at that. Things will change, but it is not necessary a bad thing. I only need to remember that, and not always fight back.

Then we continue walking. Not holding hands, but walking side by side, together.

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I don't know. it got a bit out of hand and random. it was meant to be a proper thing. sorry for wasting your time.


	2. Chapter 105

I know there was the sign saying COMPLETE. but what would be the fun to always follow every capital word? ENJOY if you will.

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SECOND PART

Kurogane was amazed. Not because of something fantastic had happened, but the mere amount of the mage's idiocy. The guy seemed to think that he would leave the mage behind, that the support and safety he offered would be taken back at any given moment. He frowned and kept polishing and sharpening his sword.

He wasn't the type to change his mind constantly. He had swore he would keep the mage alive, and he intended to so and in the process get the idiot enjoy life a bit, to find something worth living. Heck, he wished the mage could see he was serious and how precious he was he stood up and swung the sword around, testing if it was good. Satisfied with the result, he sheathed the blade and went to look for the mage.

The mage was in the kitchen baking something. He stayed in the doorway a while, listening the quiet humming.

"Hope you are doing something edible" he grunted, startling the mage. The blue eyes flashed to him and for a moment they stared into each others eyes. The blue eyes were unsure and seeking and he was relieved to see something real in the eyes instead of the mask of happiness and joy. Apparently Fai saw whatever it was that he needed to see since a small smile crept onto his lips and tilting his head to one side answered

"I always do. Kuro-po is just picky eater, that's all". He glared at the guy who grinned back

"Says a guy who can't eat sushi" the mage shivered

"Raw fish should not be eaten. Why else would the fire been invented?"

"So people could have warm caves"

"Kuro-tan, people live in houses". He fell silent. The mage who had turned back to his work, looked at him over his shoulder. Fai's lip twitched and the blue eyes sparkled with amusement. The mage quickly looked back to his baking but he could see the shoulders shaking. Stepping closer he asked.

"What's so funny?". The mage shook his head and stuttered

"You.." he lifted an eyebrow, waiting " the look on your face was priceless!" then the mage burst out laughing, taking support from the counter, laughing truly for his heart's content. He let the mage have his fun before getting serious

"I won't leave you" he stated. Fai was taking deep breaths to calm down and catch his breath. The blue eyes glanced at him and the mage shook his head and straightened up.

"You will loose your temper. Get bored and move onward"

"Earlier you said people around would get hurt. I'd say all these reasons are just excuses because you are scared of being hurt". The mage straightened up some more, pulling his shoulders back and glared him

"You don't know me. You can't understand". He stepped closer

"And whose fault is that? I try, but I can't reach you if you keep running and hiding". The mage frowned, waved a hand and turned his back to him.

"I don't need to reach me. I a fine alone". He snorted to that. The mage might be strong but he was also fragile, just like he was clever but sometimes a complete idiot.

"No you are not." he said and pulled Fai into his embrace. The mage struggled a bit, trying to break away but his hold held. "You reached a hand to me once. I take that as a right to grab your hand every time I think you need it. To help you when you are loosing your way. So I won't stop now just because you try to push me away. You may or may not allow me to help you, you can fight all you want, but you won't be alone anymore." While he had been talking the mage had ceased struggling and once he was finished, Fai leaned his head to his chest.

They stood there a while and the mage turned his head to look him in the eyes

"I better finish up the food" he sighed and let go. He had no idea had his feelings reached the mage. If not, he would repeat them some other time. He turned, getting ready to walk out of the kitchen when the mage talked again "I left a batch without chocolate so you can enjoy a snack with everyone too" . In surprise, he turned to look at the mage, who glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled briefly before focusing on baking again. He snorted and headed out again, satisfied that at least something had gotten through to the mage. He was already out the door when Fai called after him

"Thanks Kuro-rin" he kept walking but there was a happy little grin that flashed over his face.

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It had taken a long time. But gradually he had learned to trust Kuro-pin, more accurately he had been unable not to trust after all they have went through and what they had given for the sake of the other one.

He smiled to himself. Kuro-tan had been honest the whole time, not leaving his side and being ready to pick him up if he fell. The ninja had given him faith and reason to live, and furthermore, to be happy.

He crossed a road and could see their house further down the street. His pace quickened and he nearly flew the last few yards to the door. He was not sure if Kuro-wan would be home yet and he was excited to find out. Breathing out, he placed a delicate hand on the handle and grinned, here goes nothing.

"Already off work?" a deep voice said behind him. His heart jumped in his chest and he pressed a hand to his chest to calm his heart while turning around. He knew what he would see and the rush of joy was energizing.

The grin broke into a wide smile seeing the dark man standing few feet from him. With an excited cheer he jumped from where he stood to Kurogane. With a smirk Kuro-pon caught him in the air and held him there a moment. He pouted a bit and then Kuro-chi victoriously lowered him to the ground. But as soon as his foot touched the ground, he attacked the ninja again managing to kiss the him right on the mouth. He snaked his arms around Kuro-don's neck. The ninja answered the kiss and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer.

"Mmm, Kuro-chu, I think that's enough" Kurogane grunted back, but let him go anyway. Grinning, he duck the keys out of his pocket and opened the front door. He quickly took off his shoes and once Kuro-pippi was indoors too, he turned around and chirped

"Welcome home!" and then he once again jumped at his most important person, who accepted and him with a playful and expecting smirk.

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how was it? I would like to hear thoughts considering the end after the end. if you WILL


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